Since we're at internet forwards, let me put these here before we enter into the world of writing and publishing (maybe tomorrow, with luck later tonight). I got these via Molly Brown, who had a story in the latest issue of Isku. She's a good writer, let me tell you. And seemingly a humorous person. She enjoys a good joke. Hope you do, too.
***
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.
"This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his willie. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
***
Hillary came into the room with a big smile and a spring in her step.
"My you're in a good mood," said Bill. "Why are you so happy?"
"I just got back from my annual physical exam and the doctor said I had the breasts of a 25 year-old woman, " Hillary gushed.
"Did he say anything about your 46 year-old arse?" Bill asked.
"No," said Hillary, "your name wasn't mentioned once."
***
[This is a very good one.]
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied, so they return to the Rabbi and he says, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly: "You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
***
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "No, you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
***
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want; after all you're the guv'."
But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other."
"20 DECKS!" screams Noah.
"Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well. Sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah.
"Yep, fish. Well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check."
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"
"Check."
"And you want it full of carp?"
"Check."
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."
***
(Juri again.) I wonder who makes these up. Is there a profession called "joke maker"? Or "jokist"? I know there is always someone mentioned as the editor of the joke column or the joke book, but do they invent them all by themselves (if not, then who does - their buddies?)? Wonder how one could live with inventing jokes. Should try, though. Or then, maybe not.
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